WTF

So, I've had a rough last couple of semesters.... and it doesn't look like next semester will be an exception (but, for once that is not my fault for totally overloading my schedule)

But, apparently I totally missed the deadline for graduate applications. I had a feeling they were at the end of November, but a lot of other people were talking of January and February deadlines. Apparently this is not so for Art History. Oops. So, I guess I have no real back-up plan for the Fulbright. I was going to apply to UIC, but I don't really see what the point is. Their deadline was today in order to obtain the necessary financial assistance... they give you until March otherwise. But, as mentioned a hundred times before - they offer no coursework in what I study. Nada.

Part of me wishes I had figured this out sooner, but my more logical side knows that there was no way in hell that I'd be able to complete these applications while doing thesis research, writing a couple 10-20 page papers, and working on my Fulbright application... I barely was able to fit in eating and sleeping there for a while, let alone to small bit of socialization that keeps me marginally sane. So, I say "oh well" to that.

After discovering this most awful truth at about 5:00 in the morning today (insomnia), I decided to jump on over to craigslist and a few career websites. Apparently there are a few postings in the city for undergraduate degrees in Art History... but, they make only a bit more than I make now. Basically it's what I do now, but in a gallery. So, instead of moving office furniture that I'm too weak to move, I'd be moving paintings and antiques that I'm too weak to move... thus, I'm basically clutching at my chest right now in a horrid panic attack, as well as in an attempt to perhaps hold onto the last shred of my 'soul' that seems to be evacuating my body due to my potential future year without a glimpse of education. Sweet.

I should get the Fulbright. I know I deserve it. I'm great at Japanese and am genuinely passionate about my proposal. I love the Daikannon, and I really, truly wish to research them. Sure, going shopping and perhaps a karaoke bar or two would be a super plus, as well as exploring the gorgeous religious landscapes of the country... but I don't know... I really want to go to classes - push myself to learn things that are difficult for me to learn in English, let alone Japanese. But, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably one of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of American students vying for one of the ten spots offered to US undergraduates to study in Japan for a year... and Art History isn't exactly an exalted study. All I need is 10 bleeding heart medical students who help the greater good to ensure I do not receive a spot at all...

I try not to dwell on it, but it's impossible. A year is a long time for someone my age, and I really don't want it to be a super miserable, depressing one.