New (old) problems...

Ha.  Today my mom called me about my brother's newest stuff.  It's become more of a joke than a stressor.

BACKSTORY:  My brother (like all us children) has mental issues.  He's also stupid, though, and an addict.  He has been pulling my entire family down with him for the past 5 years.  Not that I'm insensitive to addicts.  I think it's important to try and help, and no when you can't... also, not that I throw around the label "addict" like most Americans... Basically, my brother is an immature, idiotic addict who steals and destroys my mom's life because he loves her, and she loves him to much to stop him.  My mom's pretty much lost it in the last year, and I am just glad that I am financially stable enough (barely) to not live in that house...

So... my mom was looking for something this morning - a $50 gift card to be exact.  She couldn't find it.  My mom is crazy organized... sickly organized.  So, it'd be weird for her to misplace it.  Even so, she didn't want to fly off the handle and accuse my brother... because she wants to give a facade of trust.  So she asks him.  POLITELY.  Of course, he goes absolutely hysteric, punches a hole in the wall (the second, in my mother's newly remodeled house that she's wanted for 20 years), throws his desk chair, and smashes up his computer.

You might be thinking - oh my gosh! How can you be so critical of him!  He's obviously chemically imbalanced and needs help.  My entire family is chemically imbalanced.  However, we all have some kind of help.  My brother's been to rehab, has had several psych/therapists... as well as medications.  There's a canyon of a gap between spoiled/immature and insane.  I usually like to keep this stuff private and ignored, but I'm finally getting pissed.

Back to the story.  My mom loses it.  Just a few months ago, this same scenario happened, except it was all of my mom's jewelery (thousands of dollars worth) that he stole and hawked.  Said jewelery was not treasured due to monetary worth, but was because they were precious to her - things of her grandmothers, baptismal crosses, and so on.  I have no idea how the eff she persevered in her love for him then.

Since then, he's had all sorts of thugs in my mom's house, stolen all my parents cigarettes, borrowed/stolen god knows how much money, digging himself $5000 into credit card debt buying luxury goods, growing "herbs" in his closet, got a PS3 for Christmas (even though they wanted to take it back), as well as a whole lotta' other stuff.  Today she had it.  She threw him out.  I think it was utterly justified, and was 2 years ago after they did everything they could to help him.  I understand, however, because my mom loves him - which is still perfectly normal, and admirable after everything that's happened.

Of course (once again) he gets all crazy on my mom.  My dad comes home from work, and OF COURSE, he sides with my brother.  Always.  He even is going to co-sign to get my brother's debt consolidated.  Which is basically like financial suicide, which suck, 'cuz they have perfect credit... it's definitely a "WTF moment".  Every week I keep thinking "I really just wish this shit would figure itself out"... I know there's really only 3 options:

1)  He straightens the eff out - highly unlikely
2)  He dies - he often threatens my mom with suicide when she won't give him money, etc... which means he's not going to kill himself.  His addictions have been getting "better" (as in I don't come home one weekend and find him blue from alcohol poisoning on the floor... so he might not die)... not that I want him to.  That's effing evil.  I still like him... sort of.  I do.  I'm just labeling it as a solution.
3)  My parents win the lottery and they can throw all the money they want at the problem, and it won't matter...

It really doesn't effect me much... I know.  Only financially, as I still depend on my parents for some of my tuition (which they support completely)... It mostly effects me because I love my mom more than anything, and I'm sick of her being crazy due to my horrible, asshole brother... and my dad who is constantly defending him and preventing any kind of solution by enabling my brother and his idiocy.  UGGHGHHGHGHGHGGGGGHHHH!

Okay.  All better.  The only people who really read this are Steve and Adil anyway.

ON A POSITIVE NOTE:  I've been getting into shape!  It's amazing.  I've lost about 8 pounds this month.  I only have about 7-8 more to go until I weight what my license says XD YES!  And then I can fight crime.

New Plan

Okay.  Finally.  Everything is settled, and I have a new life plan!  YES.

Stay on an extra semester -> complete Asian studies minor -> graduate -> go to grad school either spring or fall semester (applying to UofC, Berkley, Kansas so far).

The only problem in my plan is:  If I postpone grad school I have to get a job for a semester... it will also make my lease easier, since it's for a whole year and the last thing I want to do is leave Derek effed... Plus, I love my current apartment, and I'd hate to look for a new one :\ So... I guess I'll get a job for a semester.

What would be super nice, would be if you could do something INTERESTING with a BA in Art History.  Seriously.  WTF.  I will have a degree and will be able to get the same jobs I could with a high school diploma =_=''' oi.

Ughhh

I keep getting raped by the universe... maybe be subconscious really hates me or something =_= ugh. Here's a breakdown of my last month-ish

No Fulbright -> drinking, depression -> new idea! -> deadline passed for new idea... -> depression, drinking -> new idea! -> deadline passed for new idea... -> moping, naps -> new idea -> not sure how it's going to work out -> drinking, eating, naps -> physical sickness/weight gain -> depression -> new fervor -> working out -> feeling good, losing weight -> optimism -> new idea -> deadline for new idea passed... -> anger at the world -> forgot about anger, drinking, naps -> remembered fulbright epic fail -> fuck it.

I've finally arrived at fuck it. But I know I'm just saying that now as a new strategy to succeed. Which is sad. Does it work if I know that it's a new strategy? Like birthday candle wishes - do they come true if you tell someone? :P

Anyways... my options are winding down. I have a few things going right now for me:

1) Finish Thesis on Daikannon (大観音)
-> Do super awesome -> symposium, published, do nothing with.
2) Graduate and lay around for a semester or two until I can apply for grad school again
-> Probably work
3) Stay on at UIC for an extra semester in order to complete my Asian Studies minor
-> if the classes are even being offered -> work/lay about for a semester -> grad school
4) Win the lottery/miracles/etc...

I'm hoping one of those works out for now :\... but seriously, how does this keep happening?! Am I destined to fail or something? Oh boy. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy, obsessive, detailed planner? I know it's bad, but I can't stop. It's like there's this map in my brain with a destination and I'm doing anything I can do to get there... and I really don't wanna change the destination.

I'm going to turn this blog into a place to work on my art history from now on, probably... after I work out... maybe :\ Failure is making me lazy.