Ughhh

I keep getting raped by the universe... maybe be subconscious really hates me or something =_= ugh. Here's a breakdown of my last month-ish

No Fulbright -> drinking, depression -> new idea! -> deadline passed for new idea... -> depression, drinking -> new idea! -> deadline passed for new idea... -> moping, naps -> new idea -> not sure how it's going to work out -> drinking, eating, naps -> physical sickness/weight gain -> depression -> new fervor -> working out -> feeling good, losing weight -> optimism -> new idea -> deadline for new idea passed... -> anger at the world -> forgot about anger, drinking, naps -> remembered fulbright epic fail -> fuck it.

I've finally arrived at fuck it. But I know I'm just saying that now as a new strategy to succeed. Which is sad. Does it work if I know that it's a new strategy? Like birthday candle wishes - do they come true if you tell someone? :P

Anyways... my options are winding down. I have a few things going right now for me:

1) Finish Thesis on Daikannon (大観音)
-> Do super awesome -> symposium, published, do nothing with.
2) Graduate and lay around for a semester or two until I can apply for grad school again
-> Probably work
3) Stay on at UIC for an extra semester in order to complete my Asian Studies minor
-> if the classes are even being offered -> work/lay about for a semester -> grad school
4) Win the lottery/miracles/etc...

I'm hoping one of those works out for now :\... but seriously, how does this keep happening?! Am I destined to fail or something? Oh boy. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy, obsessive, detailed planner? I know it's bad, but I can't stop. It's like there's this map in my brain with a destination and I'm doing anything I can do to get there... and I really don't wanna change the destination.

I'm going to turn this blog into a place to work on my art history from now on, probably... after I work out... maybe :\ Failure is making me lazy.