Every time summer rolls around I have plans, but get super lazy... this summer I need to break that habit, because I have a lot to do (thought most of it is unnecessary I guess).
Writing my Thesis
I need to write my thesis on Daikannon. I was supposed to finish it this last semester, but shit go crazy out of control with my classes, health, etc.... so, in a week or so I need to get on that hardcore. This thesis is going to be my edge in getting into a good grad school, so I can't wuss out on it.
Actually Going to Work
Every summer I get really gung ho and tell myself I'm going to show up to work and make a bunch of cash. I haven't gone often because of the same reasons above... too much class work and illness. So, I need to get back and make me some cash in order to pay for fun... and I probably should be responsible and actually save money for once.
Beating Video Games
I have a bad habit of never beating video games since I entered college... that needs to stop. I started FFXIII over spring break, and got REALLY far in it... buuuuuut.... school is hell and I'm not one to let my grades slip in order to have fun :\ Seriously, I haven't beaten a game in FOREVER. There's a huge list I need to beat/start/etc...
- FFXIII
- Pokemon Heart Gold (I'm actually almost done ^-^)
- Bayonetta: Adil bought it for me, and gosh darn'it I'm gonna start it and beat it this summer!!
- Mass Effect 2
- I'd like to try my hands at Bioshock again (even though I totally suck and get scared and shit)
- I was playing the new Star Ocean... buuut... it wasn't really all that fun, but I might try it again.
- I was so close to beating Dragon Age >.<
- I'd like to run through some of the Final Fantasys again... I haven't beaten any of them since I was a kid XD
I'm actually gonna go out and buy a PS3 relatively soon (graduation money ^-^) because I'm getting super pumped for FFXIV, since Guild wars was kind of meh and the last MMORPG I loved was FFXII... I'M SO PUMPED! Every day I find myself ending up on the website... contemplating what race I'm gonna be... AAAHHHH I HAVE NO IDEA. I really need to loose my life to video games again... it'll be easier when I go to grad school and have no friends :\... sad, but awesome?! I'm not sure. I hope I don't get fat... which brings me to...
Working Out
This whole semester I've been trying to get in shape, but there's been so much to do and so much stress that I can't keep it up for long :\ I started today and am hoping to at least work out five days out of seven every week >.< I HOPE IT WORKS.
I've been getting a little chubby this semester and really didn't notice it was that bad until now XD oh no.... The sad thing is that I've been eating great this whole year... no frozen food, very little fast food... lots of fruits and vegetables.... wtf :\ GRRRR... I blame my female genetics.
Everyday I wish I had been born male =_=... except I would miss my boobs. It's a tough decision, really...
Taking my GRE
I need to do this. I keep putting it off. I'm gonna be applying for the 2011-2012 year for Graduate school, so I'll probably be filling out applications in September-ish.
Catch up on Comic Books
I haven't been reading any... hopefully Steve will open up his library to me *-*
Watch some Effing Anime
I haven't been watching any anime... the last 4 years of my life have been suck for my anime/manga nerdom. It kind of sucks. Now I'm completely lost and don't even know what to watch :\
The funny thing is that I'm going to ACen this week even though I've barely watched any anime this year... but I haven't been in over 5 years, so I'm really psyched ^-^
Get Out
I need to get out more... which is expensive, but necessary. Hopefully go see some movies, go to some bars... maybe even the beach?! Maybe be a real college student just in time to not be one.
About Me
- Lindsay
- Chicago
- I'm an art history undergraduate right now focusing in Japanese Buddhist and Contemporary arts. I plan on getting my MA in Japanese Language and Art History, and my PhD in Art History as well. I'm super driven by my school work, but also love to spend lots of time with my hobbies - art and video games ^^
I never posted about how excited I was that Seth Aaron won project runway. I was literally screaming with excitement like a little school girl (which I guess I am? I'm little, a female, and am in school...)! In fact, I have halted all spending in hopes of buying a piece of the collection on bluefly... oh man! Hopefully there will be something $200 or under. Yes, I know I spend too much on clothes and am crazy... but I feels it's worth it if it's unique and truly artistic. I'm not gonna spend $200 on some crappy purse that is beige and has a whole bunch of C's on it. No. But this...
So... still sick. Whatever. My mom thinks it's stress... I mean, I am a stressed out person, but what college undergrad/grad who gives a fuck about their work isn't!? But I'm actually less stressed now (mostly due to therapy, confidence, and a bit o' pharmaceuticals) so it's a bit weird. I'm trying not to let it get me down. My crap job might be a factor... hmm... I probably could work, but am totally avoiding it.
Applied for a job at the library today. Hope I get called for an interview... I fucking love libraries. This is most likely due to me loving books, and being an academic in the humanities. Research! Fuck ya!
I'm two short weeks away from summer. But, I have a million things to do: 2 3 hour drawings, 2 6 hour drawings, a dress/cosplay (sculpture), a small paper (BS) and presentation (BS BS), a take home final (BS) and my Baroque Architecture final (which I'll probably study little for, since I have a 97%).
Speaking of Baroque Architecture - why do I know more about Catholic mythology than the Catholics in my class who defend the architect Guarino Guarin for his defense of a geocentric universe throwing out Galileo/Copernicus' work for wishy-washy "theology". I don't like calling it theology. It sounds too much like science. I mean, SCIENCE*, they didn't know who St. George was?! HE KILLED A MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON! They thought I was pulling their leg when I said that... seriously?
You see, I love a good story, which is why I study religion a lot of the time. It's also important for my art historical studies and research, since a lot of the art pre-modernism is driven pretty much solely by religious motives... I just can't wait until people present Michelangelo's pieta in the same way they present the Farnese Bull Group.
Anyways, I've been making art still. It feels good. I'm also sewing this costume, which feels double good. Especially because the last time I used my machine I made the most horrible Poison Ivy costume ever. Now I'm making a secret costume... that the people who read this probably already know about... and it's going well! I mean, I've definitely fucked up things... there's some uneven hems, weird stitching issues, etc... but, still. Pretty effing awesome for me... and most of the mistakes won't be visible after I go through the weathering process. I also have this kick ass guy making me a prop for my costume - which I'm totally going to wear at ACen... a con I haven't been to in 4 or 5 years! Plus, it's going to be a kickass Halloween costume - YES. I'M PLANNING FOR HALLOWEEN ALREADY. I've been planning for Halloween since November 1st.
So arts!
So, there you have it. I'll post more shit later when I get fired up.
A weird thing I noticed today is that I was incredibly apathetic as a high schooler... In the last 4 years or so I have transformed into the opposite. I seem to care about EVERYTHING now... it's crazy. Even stupid shit. Except sports... I still don't give a fuck about sports... well... ice skating and gymnastics... and the Olympics XD
ONE LAST THOUGHT: I've been following this really great blog, Blag Hag, that is written by an incredibly thoughtful young atheist (like myself, but much more outgoing, intelligent, etc...). I suggest you follow that blog and participate in her awesome event BOOBQUAKE, which may be the best idea ever. See info here on her blog, or here on Facebook.
*It has recently come to my attention that I say "Oh my god", "Jesus!" and other such holy expletives... so, I'm trying to just replace it all with science. Doesn't have the punch, but it also doesn't have the religion-part.
The Doctor Who premier was fucking awesome.... and the new Doctor Who is quite the looker :D I'm a sucker for British accents and crazy hair ^^... oh wait. I'm engaged =_=/// lame!
I spent most of my day trying to motivate myself to draw... I'm in the middle of coping a drawing of an artist by the name of Ryoko Aoki... quite a pain in the ass :\ We're supposed to spend 3 hours per drawing and I've spent about 6 so far on this one... ugh!
It's not really my thing.. I'm more into creepy and cute things... I actually really hate drawing flowers. On the plus side, my mom will probably love it. I guess it is a little pretty.... hope my final project turns out well.
This is much more of my thing :D
My final should be meshing the two aesthetics together... some crazy creepy, yet organic hair portraiture. Should be pretty interesting. I have no idea why I'm challenging myself so much when I'm just an Art History student taking this for credit...
Oh well.... at least I'll get my cosplay for ACen done for my sculpture final. That's a win right there. Now, back to the drawing board... lolz at the literal-ness ^-^
I've been getting all of my images from "Drop Dead Cute" - which is a nice text with a lot of pretty pictures from some contemporary Japanese artist. There aren't very many good texts out there (that aren't $80 a piece), but this one's pretty good I'd say u_u
I spent 5 hours on my term paper for Baroque Architecture and got an A!!! YEEEESSSSS!!
This semester has actually been pretty exciting. Painful, but exciting. I had 18 credit hours, but it ended up dropping down a bit when I got ill and had to drop my thesis until the summer :\ That was a bummer.
I'm still pretty sick and the doctors haven't figured out what's wrong with me yet =_= ugh. That's the one big downer, but I have only two weeks of school left... so fuck yeah on that. The diagnosis has evolved as follows:
Arthritis -> some other skeletal/muscular thing -> heart valve issue -> lungs -> relfux/ulcer -> celiacs disease
These all suck, but I'd take any one of them at this point. It'd just be nice to know what's up and end all this pain and inconvenience. I'll be in the middle of class and my professor will be all like "Lindsay blahblahblah
My favorite moment so far, was when I was sipping on some wine over spring break while watching "The Room"* with my friends... In the middle of a sip my pain came on, and I ended up regurgitating on the floor a bit... ha. The best part was that they thought it was because I was drunk, even though it was only my second glass of wine over a 6 hour period XD Oh man. Embarrassment city.
Hopefully this will get figured out soon.... I really need to get back to work, due to me being poor... but at the same time I HATE MY JOB. My bosses suck the life source out of me and leave me a miserable shadow of myself =_= I just can't zombie-fy anymore at work or trick my brain into thinking it's somewhere else. It really sucks.
What sucks more is that I've been actually trying to find another job on campus (which is usually easy), and I can't seem to find one anywhere... ugh. So lame. Well, I guess I'll have to grow yet another pair... I'm becoming over laden with testicles :\ boo.
*Best movie ever, btw. WATCH IT. But know that it's awesome because it's horrible.
I haven't done any work this entire spring break. I'd say that's a bad thing, but in my opinion it's pretty amazing. The last four years of my life I have been so overly disciplined in doing my work that it's sick. Human social experiences were at a minimum, as was fun. This week all I did was have human social experiences AND play video games. It's a super awesome change.
Maybe I shouldn't worry so much about my grades? Even when I slack off I tend to get As... caring that extra bit won't make a difference (except in +'s or -'s which this school doesn't record anyways).
It's just really weird that I'm living it up my senior year of undergraduate when most people went through this stage when they were freshman :P Maybe it's because my parents never had a tight leash on me as a child... I dunno.
But at the same time... I really don't want to become too lazy... plus I'm totally going to stress myself out and give myself another ulcer (!) if I procrastinate... I have an 8 page paper due in 3 days and I don't even have a topic... I'm sure the topic, research, and writing will only take me one day... BUT I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO IT. Ugh. Baroque architecture is cool and all, but I'm not crazy passionate about it, like I am with Baroque statuary... except Borromini. I FUCKING LOVE BORROMINI. I always love the crazy ones - plus his works are beautiful and have a surreal quality to them that is 100s of years ahead of his time.
But enough about that. I still am obviously a complete nerd for art history. I can talk about art all day long (too bad there's no one to talk to but myself, which makes me crazy like Borromini). I mean... I want to write good papers and submit high quality work... but... I'd rather play video games in this case because western art isn't really my dig you dig? :\ ugh. I'm taking Hellenism and baroque - the two classic western movements I like - and still... I don't know. I long for the east.
Next semester (because I'm staying on an extra one as stated below) I plan on taking non-western art history and history courses. That will be nice.
I really miss being in a Japanese class. I'm doing independent study kanji right now and it is TORTURE. It's really hard... and I'm not talking to anyone and I'm going crazy, because I don't want to lose my skills. I have DREAMS about speaking Japanese with people. OMG. I just need someone to practice with :\ man... I need more friends.
Anyways... I'm going to go back to lying on my couch playing pokemon and wondering if I'll do any school work... SHIT. I also have sculpture and drawing homework... oh man :\
Ha. Today my mom called me about my brother's newest stuff. It's become more of a joke than a stressor.
BACKSTORY: My brother (like all us children) has mental issues. He's also stupid, though, and an addict. He has been pulling my entire family down with him for the past 5 years. Not that I'm insensitive to addicts. I think it's important to try and help, and no when you can't... also, not that I throw around the label "addict" like most Americans... Basically, my brother is an immature, idiotic addict who steals and destroys my mom's life because he loves her, and she loves him to much to stop him. My mom's pretty much lost it in the last year, and I am just glad that I am financially stable enough (barely) to not live in that house...
So... my mom was looking for something this morning - a $50 gift card to be exact. She couldn't find it. My mom is crazy organized... sickly organized. So, it'd be weird for her to misplace it. Even so, she didn't want to fly off the handle and accuse my brother... because she wants to give a facade of trust. So she asks him. POLITELY. Of course, he goes absolutely hysteric, punches a hole in the wall (the second, in my mother's newly remodeled house that she's wanted for 20 years), throws his desk chair, and smashes up his computer.
You might be thinking - oh my gosh! How can you be so critical of him! He's obviously chemically imbalanced and needs help. My entire family is chemically imbalanced. However, we all have some kind of help. My brother's been to rehab, has had several psych/therapists... as well as medications. There's a canyon of a gap between spoiled/immature and insane. I usually like to keep this stuff private and ignored, but I'm finally getting pissed.
Back to the story. My mom loses it. Just a few months ago, this same scenario happened, except it was all of my mom's jewelery (thousands of dollars worth) that he stole and hawked. Said jewelery was not treasured due to monetary worth, but was because they were precious to her - things of her grandmothers, baptismal crosses, and so on. I have no idea how the eff she persevered in her love for him then.
Since then, he's had all sorts of thugs in my mom's house, stolen all my parents cigarettes, borrowed/stolen god knows how much money, digging himself $5000 into credit card debt buying luxury goods, growing "herbs" in his closet, got a PS3 for Christmas (even though they wanted to take it back), as well as a whole lotta' other stuff. Today she had it. She threw him out. I think it was utterly justified, and was 2 years ago after they did everything they could to help him. I understand, however, because my mom loves him - which is still perfectly normal, and admirable after everything that's happened.
Of course (once again) he gets all crazy on my mom. My dad comes home from work, and OF COURSE, he sides with my brother. Always. He even is going to co-sign to get my brother's debt consolidated. Which is basically like financial suicide, which suck, 'cuz they have perfect credit... it's definitely a "WTF moment". Every week I keep thinking "I really just wish this shit would figure itself out"... I know there's really only 3 options:
1) He straightens the eff out - highly unlikely
2) He dies - he often threatens my mom with suicide when she won't give him money, etc... which means he's not going to kill himself. His addictions have been getting "better" (as in I don't come home one weekend and find him blue from alcohol poisoning on the floor... so he might not die)... not that I want him to. That's effing evil. I still like him... sort of. I do. I'm just labeling it as a solution.
3) My parents win the lottery and they can throw all the money they want at the problem, and it won't matter...
It really doesn't effect me much... I know. Only financially, as I still depend on my parents for some of my tuition (which they support completely)... It mostly effects me because I love my mom more than anything, and I'm sick of her being crazy due to my horrible, asshole brother... and my dad who is constantly defending him and preventing any kind of solution by enabling my brother and his idiocy. UGGHGHHGHGHGHGGGGGHHHH!
Okay. All better. The only people who really read this are Steve and Adil anyway.
ON A POSITIVE NOTE: I've been getting into shape! It's amazing. I've lost about 8 pounds this month. I only have about 7-8 more to go until I weight what my license says XD YES! And then I can fight crime.
Okay. Finally. Everything is settled, and I have a new life plan! YES.
Stay on an extra semester -> complete Asian studies minor -> graduate -> go to grad school either spring or fall semester (applying to UofC, Berkley, Kansas so far).
The only problem in my plan is: If I postpone grad school I have to get a job for a semester... it will also make my lease easier, since it's for a whole year and the last thing I want to do is leave Derek effed... Plus, I love my current apartment, and I'd hate to look for a new one :\ So... I guess I'll get a job for a semester.
What would be super nice, would be if you could do something INTERESTING with a BA in Art History. Seriously. WTF. I will have a degree and will be able to get the same jobs I could with a high school diploma =_=''' oi.
I keep getting raped by the universe... maybe be subconscious really hates me or something =_= ugh. Here's a breakdown of my last month-ish
No Fulbright -> drinking, depression -> new idea! -> deadline passed for new idea... -> depression, drinking -> new idea! -> deadline passed for new idea... -> moping, naps -> new idea -> not sure how it's going to work out -> drinking, eating, naps -> physical sickness/weight gain -> depression -> new fervor -> working out -> feeling good, losing weight -> optimism -> new idea -> deadline for new idea passed... -> anger at the world -> forgot about anger, drinking, naps -> remembered fulbright epic fail -> fuck it.
I've finally arrived at fuck it. But I know I'm just saying that now as a new strategy to succeed. Which is sad. Does it work if I know that it's a new strategy? Like birthday candle wishes - do they come true if you tell someone? :P
Anyways... my options are winding down. I have a few things going right now for me:
1) Finish Thesis on Daikannon (大観音)
-> Do super awesome -> symposium, published, do nothing with.
2) Graduate and lay around for a semester or two until I can apply for grad school again
-> Probably work
3) Stay on at UIC for an extra semester in order to complete my Asian Studies minor
-> if the classes are even being offered -> work/lay about for a semester -> grad school
4) Win the lottery/miracles/etc...
I'm hoping one of those works out for now :\... but seriously, how does this keep happening?! Am I destined to fail or something? Oh boy. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy, obsessive, detailed planner? I know it's bad, but I can't stop. It's like there's this map in my brain with a destination and I'm doing anything I can do to get there... and I really don't wanna change the destination.
I'm going to turn this blog into a place to work on my art history from now on, probably... after I work out... maybe :\ Failure is making me lazy.
I spent $250 on an HD monitor so Derek could play video games while I watched my shows. Guess what? He sucks. He is playing MW2 with his bros on my TV... and tells me to watch the monitor. WTF am I going to watch on the monitor?! My TV shows that are on the TV?! Through the cable?! That only goes to the TV?! OMFG. Asshole.
Also, I have to wake up at 7am for classes. What time do you think he goes to bed? 11pm like me?! No. 12:30. And then last night he doesn't even get in the bedroom until 1:30 which slightly woke me up... and then what does he do?! Fucking kiss my on the cheek. Normally awesome, but not cool when you wake me up at 1:30 when I have to wake up at 7am. Asshole.
I'm really pissed off right now.
A lot.
Especially because I have to go to Blick to buy $200 in art supplies for a class I just need to take to fucking graduate... I can't go alone, 'cuz I need help in order to carry the stuff back since I take public transit... and Derek can't help me today because of the aforementioned bullshit... and he's probably not going to help me tomorrow... and I need all this shit Wednesday. So pissed off.
So, I've had a rough last couple of semesters.... and it doesn't look like next semester will be an exception (but, for once that is not my fault for totally overloading my schedule)
But, apparently I totally missed the deadline for graduate applications. I had a feeling they were at the end of November, but a lot of other people were talking of January and February deadlines. Apparently this is not so for Art History. Oops. So, I guess I have no real back-up plan for the Fulbright. I was going to apply to UIC, but I don't really see what the point is. Their deadline was today in order to obtain the necessary financial assistance... they give you until March otherwise. But, as mentioned a hundred times before - they offer no coursework in what I study. Nada.
Part of me wishes I had figured this out sooner, but my more logical side knows that there was no way in hell that I'd be able to complete these applications while doing thesis research, writing a couple 10-20 page papers, and working on my Fulbright application... I barely was able to fit in eating and sleeping there for a while, let alone to small bit of socialization that keeps me marginally sane. So, I say "oh well" to that.
After discovering this most awful truth at about 5:00 in the morning today (insomnia), I decided to jump on over to craigslist and a few career websites. Apparently there are a few postings in the city for undergraduate degrees in Art History... but, they make only a bit more than I make now. Basically it's what I do now, but in a gallery. So, instead of moving office furniture that I'm too weak to move, I'd be moving paintings and antiques that I'm too weak to move... thus, I'm basically clutching at my chest right now in a horrid panic attack, as well as in an attempt to perhaps hold onto the last shred of my 'soul' that seems to be evacuating my body due to my potential future year without a glimpse of education. Sweet.
I should get the Fulbright. I know I deserve it. I'm great at Japanese and am genuinely passionate about my proposal. I love the Daikannon, and I really, truly wish to research them. Sure, going shopping and perhaps a karaoke bar or two would be a super plus, as well as exploring the gorgeous religious landscapes of the country... but I don't know... I really want to go to classes - push myself to learn things that are difficult for me to learn in English, let alone Japanese. But, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably one of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of American students vying for one of the ten spots offered to US undergraduates to study in Japan for a year... and Art History isn't exactly an exalted study. All I need is 10 bleeding heart medical students who help the greater good to ensure I do not receive a spot at all...
I try not to dwell on it, but it's impossible. A year is a long time for someone my age, and I really don't want it to be a super miserable, depressing one.