New Plan

Okay.  Finally.  Everything is settled, and I have a new life plan!  YES.

Stay on an extra semester -> complete Asian studies minor -> graduate -> go to grad school either spring or fall semester (applying to UofC, Berkley, Kansas so far).

The only problem in my plan is:  If I postpone grad school I have to get a job for a semester... it will also make my lease easier, since it's for a whole year and the last thing I want to do is leave Derek effed... Plus, I love my current apartment, and I'd hate to look for a new one :\ So... I guess I'll get a job for a semester.

What would be super nice, would be if you could do something INTERESTING with a BA in Art History.  Seriously.  WTF.  I will have a degree and will be able to get the same jobs I could with a high school diploma =_=''' oi.

Ughhh

I keep getting raped by the universe... maybe be subconscious really hates me or something =_= ugh. Here's a breakdown of my last month-ish

No Fulbright -> drinking, depression -> new idea! -> deadline passed for new idea... -> depression, drinking -> new idea! -> deadline passed for new idea... -> moping, naps -> new idea -> not sure how it's going to work out -> drinking, eating, naps -> physical sickness/weight gain -> depression -> new fervor -> working out -> feeling good, losing weight -> optimism -> new idea -> deadline for new idea passed... -> anger at the world -> forgot about anger, drinking, naps -> remembered fulbright epic fail -> fuck it.

I've finally arrived at fuck it. But I know I'm just saying that now as a new strategy to succeed. Which is sad. Does it work if I know that it's a new strategy? Like birthday candle wishes - do they come true if you tell someone? :P

Anyways... my options are winding down. I have a few things going right now for me:

1) Finish Thesis on Daikannon (大観音)
-> Do super awesome -> symposium, published, do nothing with.
2) Graduate and lay around for a semester or two until I can apply for grad school again
-> Probably work
3) Stay on at UIC for an extra semester in order to complete my Asian Studies minor
-> if the classes are even being offered -> work/lay about for a semester -> grad school
4) Win the lottery/miracles/etc...

I'm hoping one of those works out for now :\... but seriously, how does this keep happening?! Am I destined to fail or something? Oh boy. Maybe it's because I'm a crazy, obsessive, detailed planner? I know it's bad, but I can't stop. It's like there's this map in my brain with a destination and I'm doing anything I can do to get there... and I really don't wanna change the destination.

I'm going to turn this blog into a place to work on my art history from now on, probably... after I work out... maybe :\ Failure is making me lazy.

Oh hai

I spent $250 on an HD monitor so Derek could play video games while I watched my shows. Guess what? He sucks. He is playing MW2 with his bros on my TV... and tells me to watch the monitor. WTF am I going to watch on the monitor?! My TV shows that are on the TV?! Through the cable?! That only goes to the TV?! OMFG. Asshole.

Also, I have to wake up at 7am for classes. What time do you think he goes to bed? 11pm like me?! No. 12:30. And then last night he doesn't even get in the bedroom until 1:30 which slightly woke me up... and then what does he do?! Fucking kiss my on the cheek. Normally awesome, but not cool when you wake me up at 1:30 when I have to wake up at 7am. Asshole.

I'm really pissed off right now.

A lot.

Especially because I have to go to Blick to buy $200 in art supplies for a class I just need to take to fucking graduate... I can't go alone, 'cuz I need help in order to carry the stuff back since I take public transit... and Derek can't help me today because of the aforementioned bullshit... and he's probably not going to help me tomorrow... and I need all this shit Wednesday. So pissed off.

WTF

So, I've had a rough last couple of semesters.... and it doesn't look like next semester will be an exception (but, for once that is not my fault for totally overloading my schedule)

But, apparently I totally missed the deadline for graduate applications. I had a feeling they were at the end of November, but a lot of other people were talking of January and February deadlines. Apparently this is not so for Art History. Oops. So, I guess I have no real back-up plan for the Fulbright. I was going to apply to UIC, but I don't really see what the point is. Their deadline was today in order to obtain the necessary financial assistance... they give you until March otherwise. But, as mentioned a hundred times before - they offer no coursework in what I study. Nada.

Part of me wishes I had figured this out sooner, but my more logical side knows that there was no way in hell that I'd be able to complete these applications while doing thesis research, writing a couple 10-20 page papers, and working on my Fulbright application... I barely was able to fit in eating and sleeping there for a while, let alone to small bit of socialization that keeps me marginally sane. So, I say "oh well" to that.

After discovering this most awful truth at about 5:00 in the morning today (insomnia), I decided to jump on over to craigslist and a few career websites. Apparently there are a few postings in the city for undergraduate degrees in Art History... but, they make only a bit more than I make now. Basically it's what I do now, but in a gallery. So, instead of moving office furniture that I'm too weak to move, I'd be moving paintings and antiques that I'm too weak to move... thus, I'm basically clutching at my chest right now in a horrid panic attack, as well as in an attempt to perhaps hold onto the last shred of my 'soul' that seems to be evacuating my body due to my potential future year without a glimpse of education. Sweet.

I should get the Fulbright. I know I deserve it. I'm great at Japanese and am genuinely passionate about my proposal. I love the Daikannon, and I really, truly wish to research them. Sure, going shopping and perhaps a karaoke bar or two would be a super plus, as well as exploring the gorgeous religious landscapes of the country... but I don't know... I really want to go to classes - push myself to learn things that are difficult for me to learn in English, let alone Japanese. But, I have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably one of hundreds, perhaps thousands, of American students vying for one of the ten spots offered to US undergraduates to study in Japan for a year... and Art History isn't exactly an exalted study. All I need is 10 bleeding heart medical students who help the greater good to ensure I do not receive a spot at all...

I try not to dwell on it, but it's impossible. A year is a long time for someone my age, and I really don't want it to be a super miserable, depressing one.

More Goals That I'll Never Accomplish!

I've started working out... for real this time. I'm not particularly chubby, or looking for a mate, but I thought it might make me feel better. I've been told your body release endorphins when you exercise - free drugs, what's not to like?! Burning thighs, that's what. I worked out for only 30 minutes yesterday, but my thighs are still burning. Whenever I walk up stairs, I feel like I'm going to collapse... which tells me I'm really out of shape.

I also think if I strength train a bit, I should be able to lift things without straining my tendinitis or hurting myself. Also, if I get back into the shape that I was when I was a gymnast, I can be batgirl and fight crime. There are so many benefits of exercising.

Also, I've been eating fruits and veggies like mad crazy. I love pineapple and celery. Sure, I still eat fried food... but that will never stop. It's too delicious. But, I'm trying to eat better...

Today I held an on-phone family therapy session. Not really. My spoiled sister upset my mom, my mom went hormone crazy, I talked to them both for an hour, etc... Hopefully that drama settles, because I want to go home and visit this weekend.

I also went and saw an apartment randomly after work. IT WAS A DREAM. One bedroom, one bathroom, built in cabinets/wardrobe, hardwood floors, A/C, stainless steel appliances, and A DISHWASHER! I've never experienced a dishwasher before - that was just my father's nickname. I'm quite excited. Rent is $945 - which is do-able between Derek and I. I'M SO EXCITED! A CLEAN APARTMENT! YESSS! I'M GONNA DECORATE SO MAD CRAZY! Also, I think the landlord is a nerd due to his Star Trek pendant on his necklace... another bonus.

Still nervous about my meeting tomorrow, but I'm going to man up! I suppose I'll work out now and work on revising a paper. Then maybe look into the embryonic stem cell issue with the NIH. I want to send in a comment that embryonic stem cells are a must and that people's ethical issues need to get out of the way of science. They don't tell you how to do your job (unless you're doing it wrong, of course).

Wednesday Meeting

One of my professors wants to meet me this Wednesday morning to discuss my honors project I did for her last semester. I'm super nervous. She said she was amazed by it, but I'm still nervous. Why does she want to meet?! I'm freaking out. Maybe she thinks I did not do the project by myself? It was hard for me, but not that hard... I figured it out after a while. Maybe she wants me to do more? I'm so driven, but lazy during the summer. What I'm most nervous about is if she thinks it's good and would have positive applications to the real, hardcore world of museum curatorship. But, I'm known to have delusions of grandeur regarding my ideas and works.

Computer-people tell me my project is crappy. My boyfriend said that it's "really good, for [me]", due to my lack of computer savvy-ness. I felt accomplished after finishing it. It's posted below if you care. I only made the first floor, though... there is supposed to be eight total, that go up like a pagoda - with a zen rock garden and a cafe at the top. I wrote a paper and selected ton of objects. It was really fun.

...I'm still nervous.

Mystery Injury

I often hurt myself. There's no delicate way of saying it - I'm horribly clumsy. Sunday morning I woke up with something on my nose, I have no idea what it is, but I most likely did it to myself during the night. I think it's some kind of burn? I don't know. It hurts like hell.

It does no look that bad, though... I was feeling sick to my stomach the night before, and woke up violently around 2:30 when my boyfriend's sister called. I then woke up on my hallway floor about 10 minutes later. Waking up from deep sleep does weird things to you... I think this happened around then.

Well... I need to go to work. I don't want to go =_=.... this week I have to work more than usual to help get ready for an auditor who is coming in sometime. I'm too tired from the weekend. It's going to be harder to work this week, because it's supposed to be so nice out! >_< Ugh...

Some Ideas

I've been thinking of some ideas for papers/projects/etc... lately, because of course I cannot let my brain rest. I've just been chilling and watching Netflix all week, and being so relaxed is making me crazy.

I want to explore the relationship between HDTV and the uncanny valley. Everyone who comes over to my new apartment to enjoy my new, awesome TV freaks out. Everyone's comments are generally the same, too. They say that watching sports in HD feels alright, because it's "real life". However, when watching a movie or television show people feel uncomfortable because it feels "real". Kind of interesting. Also, everyone thinks television dramas look like Spanish soap operas due to the incredible refresh rate. I may look into this... It could be interesting.

I also have to start thinking about my thesis. I was thinking of expanding my Kannon paper from before (which is posted somewhere around here). I was thinking of exploring a specifically Japanese gender identity idea... or gender in Buddhism in general. It's really hard to narrow myself down a bit, though, I think the paper will end up around 30 pages. I'd rather write my thesis on the above idea at this point, but in the long run I know I'm interested in Buddhism and Japanese Art History, so I should write a thesis around this... otherwise I may not get into a good graduate school.

I'm totally freaking out about graduate school right now. I don't know where I'm gonna go. I was thinking of applying to Berkley due to some encouragement from professors, but my lower-middle class background is telling me I'll never get in - and if I did, it would totally be sit-com-esque. You know... like... She was just a middle class girl from the suburbs whose parents did not go to college - now she's in the big leagues, etc, etc... she slowly transforms from cussing and watching TV to sipping wine and reading the New York Times, etc...

Actually, I slowly feel like I'm transforming into an academic and it scares me. I have the New York Times on my iPhone and totally read it. Sometimes I catch myself saying snooty things. I just want to chill out and watch my prime time dramas, read comic books, and eat nachos. But, at the same time, becoming a haughty-toughty academic seems sort of appealing. I really want to become the director of the Art Institute one day. For my oral Japanese final I said I wanted to become a person like James Cuno - ジャムスクノのような人になりたいです。I'm officially a museum nerd. Also, a Japanese nerd.

I still desperately want to go to Japan. I make so little money and all of it goes into living expenses... or expensive HDTVs... Maybe I'm not a responsible saver, but I'm sort of happy. A scholarship would be nice. I am a bit egotistical when I assume that I deserve one, but dammit, my GPA is high, I'm smart, and poor. My parents can't afford to have a kid in college with all the crap that's been happening in my family :\ I applied for 10 scholarships for next year so far... but, I'm starting to freak about grad school. How can I afford to go to a haughty taughty school?! All my professors keep saying "scholarships", "fellowships", etc... but if I can't get one now, how do I get one then?! And what am I supposed to do with a bachelors degree in Art History?! x_x ugh...

I went to the modern wing and it was awesome. I will probably do a post about it later. Maybe. I feel to ironic being a critic. Well, I'm going to go stumble around the city today, because it's nice and I feel a bit hung over from last night... which does not sound academic or professional. To celebrate my straight As and my friend's return for the summer we had a little shindig that involved playing a game called Dokapon Kingdom which is the shit. Most definitely. We also slightly boozed and ate a whole lot of food. Maybe I just ate too much =_=... ugh. I think I'll go frolic outside now. Yay.

Woe's Me

My Hamsters had to be separated... they seem happy.  I'm quite upset though.  My babies can't get along.  And now the awesomeness that was hamster mansion is gone.

It's snowing again in Chicago, which is completely lame.  I just got a new umbrella, and was hoping to test it out today in the rain... what happened to the 60 degree temperatures?!  Why are you such a damn tease, mother nature?!

Anyways.... the stress of my life is doing it's typical things - slowly crippling me emotionally and physically.  I have SIX canker sores right now!  Every time I brush I spit out blood forever and have lost my sense of taste (no, I am not referring to my taste in art, fashion, etc...).  Everything tastes like nothing.  It sucks.  Hopefully it will heal before my family comes for my birthday - my mom is cooking something delicious for me, and I want to taste it!

I keep eating hoping I taste something, but alas, I'm just making myself fat.

I will be re-dying my hair this Friday, as I have become a bit of an orange head, as opposed to the desired fire-engine red head.

I'm thinking of starting a blog solely dedicated to Japanese contemporary photography involving lolita/hentai/pornographic themes for a project in my contemporary photo class.  Beats writing ANOTHER paper.

On parting, enjoy this funny photo I took the other day.

Quick Update

I have red hair now. See below for before and after pictures.

My hamsters have begun fighting again... ugh. So stressful. They seem fine sometimes, but we have bought a second cage just in case. When it arrives we will connect the two of them and see how that is. It will be like a hamster mansion. I think Derek is more addicted to these hamster cage tunnels and add-ons than legos. Here's some photos of the cute, evil little things.